you cant fake it hard enough to please, everyone , or anyone at all

lying on my floor at the moment, its full of stuff. i can hardly find room in beteween empty beer cans and copies of the graudian. In fact very tired and fed up, however for what ever reason i cant seem to sleep. This seems as good as anytime to sum up my time in uni. Well i figure moving away form your family at anytime is a pretty big step, my family is pretty close we all rely on each other for help and guidence and however much we all agrue at the end of the day we all look out for each other like a fmaily should. After moving to uni my grand father who had been ill for some time with a more degenarative form of parkinsons desease began to detrirate, unfournatly after a long illness my grandfather ( on my mothers side) passed away aged 76 on the 4th of novemeber, for any family to deal with death is upseting and harrowing however my grandmother ( on my fathers side) had passed away suddenly only months earlier. At this point i was finding univesrity very difficult with pessure of first year university life (finding friends , doing well, staying sober) coupled with the death of my grand father i felt like i was sinking, and to be honset that feeling has never gone away. i have found it particallar hard being so far away form my family in the time when i need them and they need me the most. A Couple of weeks after my grand fathers funeral my father was daignoses with cancer, a chest scan uncovered a large cancerous tumor above my fathers heart, somthing around the size of a grapefriut if not bigger. i was called home and told the news, i was... and still am scared, all the worrying before uni about how i will fit in and what modules to take had all been blown away and all that is left i worry for my dad. My dad is probably the person i look up to most in the world, he is my role model my friend and most of all the best dad a son could hope for. He was treated at frist in hospital where they set out a cousre of Chemo- Therapy. Dad lost his hair like they do in the Tv soaps and documentaries spending christmas at home was wonderful, dad was like he always had been despite it all he could still laugh and joke. the chemo worked, the cancer stoped growning and even shrunk a bit. however it was very dense and it was unrealisitic to think that it would be removed compelty. Thats pretty much wher we are now, to remove the tumor my dad has to go to london and have a operation on the 11th of this month, its very serious and like i have been for the last 6 month im scared. The operation is a big one and a important one so my the cancer doesnt come back. Through all this i have been in leeds trying to get on with my life as best i can, removed and isolated from my family. Scared everytime the phone rang just in case it was bad news, i dont feel i have coped to well, i am a shell of who i was when i joined uni, but thats not what i care about. at the moment all i care about it my dad and that hes ok.


sorry for the spelling mistakes, just let it all spill out . ill edit it .
thx for reading this